Vulnerability in STEM: Spring Blog Post 3

 It has been difficult to not see Daring Greatly by Dr. Brown as an attack on my perspecitves of life. However, her challenge towards normative shame culture is perhaps the exact ideas I needed to consider. 

First, I recognize now that my notion that I am not enough and need to simply work harder to be enough is more detrimental than motivational. I have always considered myself a wholehearted person, but according to Dr. Brown's definition, I am furthest from that description. My lack of a sense of worthiness drove me to excel in academics and be highly competitive. The down fall of this strategy to high achievement, although, was my inability to cope with failure and an eventual, overwhleming burn-out. I will not sleep, overexert my brain/body, and disengage with any self-care/social events to make sure I have the best grades, performance reviews, or be the mom with the most elaborate snacks at the 1st grade bake sale. I don't know if breaking the thought that I have be the best to be enough would be helpful to my STEM career or not. On that note, I do think it would help me enjoy life more, which will carry me into a life-long career of hard work rather than burn-out before I get there.  

Second, many of the key points Dr. Brown touched on like perfection, vicking-victim lens, and squandering joy have given me a lot to ponder on. As I mentioned previously, if I don't have perfectionism in my life, I feel like I am a failure. Stepping back and looking at myself from afar, this is absolutely nuts! I have achieved, endured, and made a difference in many people's lives. I've been strong and stonefaced for the ones I loved. I've numbed excitement in happy moments in anticipation for the bad moments. I've driven my heart rate through the roof while awaiting diagnoses. Without writing this post, no one would know these things because I don't allow myself to be vunerable. Ultimately, the only good most of this has done is make me feel anxious, isolated, and discontent. Like Dr. Brown in the beginning of the book, I think I have an issue with vulnerabililty. 

A "B+", Safeway cookies in place of organic/vegan/gluten-free over-the-top desserts, or using vacation days doesn't mean I am failing. Telling my friend that I am sad that my dad died is not being weak or burderning her. Accepting I cannot control all aspects of life, does not mean I will slip into chaos. Finally, celebrating victories or letting joy in, does not mean I can avoid devastation or sad moments. I am apprehenesive to let go of strive for perfection. It feels like a slippery slope into laziness or loss of success. Balance and restructuring of ideals although may be the happy medium between perfectionism and dereliction. Letting my viking shield down and stopping my squandering of joy will likely take a lot more effort and thought. However, I am least now recognizing that I don't always approach life as efficiently as I had thought. 

Despite doing well in STEM prior to this book, I feel what I am learning and un-learning during the reading is helping me relax and enjoy my journey. What I am finding since adopting some of these ideas, is a positive affect in all the areas of my life. My efforts towards wholeheartedness are reflecting in my child and work. My grades and research are still the same, but I feel like I can breathe a little more easily knowing what I am doing is enough because I am enough.